Featured Article: PM FOR PM

I have a man-crush on Patty Mills.

And based upon the cross-section of people I interact with on a regular basis, it’s fair to say the rest of the country does as well.

I’d always appreciated Boomer Patty, but after putting the hopes of a nation on his shoulders, dropping a slick 42 points against Slovenia and the wonder kid Luka Doncic, in the process bringing home Australia’s first ever Olympic Basketball medal, it’s fair to say I am head over biscuit. I’m not the only one who feels this way. Australia’s greatest basketballer - Andrew Gaze, commentating the game, was brought to tears after Patty and the boys had secured the (bronze) bag. 

The love affair only intensified when a few days later video emerged of our nations flag bearer drinking beer off his medal while getting down and dirty to Men at Work’s Australian classic Down Under. At this point in time, it’s fair to say Patty Mills hit a level of Australian patriotism where if you cut his veins, they would bleed out Vegemite and his heart had been replaced with a Balfour’s meat pie.

#PM for PM received some serious airtime over the subsequent days, even the Blue Wiggle himself got around it! While the previous 30 Prime Ministers have been sworn in by the Governor General, it appears as if Australia’s 31st Prime Minister has been sworn in by the people, and their representative, His Excellency the Honourable Anthony Field.

As Patty Mills steps into office, let's see how he stacks up against the man stepping out of office – Scott Morrison.

I’ve already covered Patty’s grace on the d-floor, so it’s only right to see how Scomo stacks up. 

Hold on, did Scomo sneak a subliminal Illuminati pyramid sign into the middle of The Wombat Wobble??

Patty Mills great-uncle is Eddie Mabo. Good luck topping that one Mr Morrison. While I couldn’t find much about Scomo’s great-uncle online I did stumble across several articles linking the PM to some unsavoury characters. The guy sharing a japanewski with our PM – Tim Stewart, not only has two first names (making him highly untrustworthy) but has been reported to the national security hotline several times by his family over fears about the immersion of his beliefs into QAnon’s ideals.

Jeez tough look for Scomo. At least it’s not like he took a holiday while half the country was ablaze, refused to commit to net zero emissions despite a ‘code red’ report from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, bungled the vaccine roll-out and has never even warmed the bench for the Boomers.

Patty, on the other hand, flew home during the NBA All-Star weekend (his holiday break) donating time and money to those affected by the bushfires. He has also never been connected to QAnon or the Illuminati, and most importantly never linked to a man with two first names.

A quick look through Morrison’s resume also reveals he passed legislation to indefinitely detain refugees, launched the ‘stop the boats’ policy, strongly supported ‘Vote No’ for same-sex marriage – eventually refusing to vote altogether, and in a speech to his Pentecostal church claimed that he was “called to do God’s work” as Prime Minister. Most maniacally of all, the man called to do God’s work keeps a small boat-shaped trophy on his desk with the lettering ‘I stopped these’ (I’m not making this up). Nothing like a small reminder of the death and suffering of countless asylum seekers to keep a man going through a long day.

Conversely, as far as I can tell Patty doesn’t have a single memento dedicated to Australia’s refugee policies (lame). He does however have a bronze medal, and hung it at his parent’s house after returning from the Olympics. At the 2020 NBA Covid Bubble Patty Mills announced he would donate the entirety of his $1.5 million salary to Australian social justice causes such as Black Lives Matter Australia and Black Deaths in Custody. On June 6, 2019, pulling a move normally reserved for the Scrooge McDuck’s of the world, the Morrison government sent penalty rates packing while increasing his own salary by 11,000 clams. 

To continue the love-fest for our next PM here are some quotes about Patty Mills from San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich. 

“As a basketball player, he’s gone off the charts with development. But as a human being and as a member of our society and a leader on our team. He’s been fantastic.”

“He embodies empathy, awareness, an ability to be actionable after he speaks about things.”

“He’s a very special human being, he’s doing things to try and make the world a better place.”

Putting the Pentecostal nail in the Pentecostal coffin, a quote from coach Pop about Mr Morrison.

“He sounds like he might be a few strawberries short of a chocolate fondue – apparently he keeps an ‘I stopped these’ boat trophy on his desk.”

What else do we need Australia? Let’s do the right thing and make our first indigenous flag bearer also our first Indigenous Prime Minister.